So I have begun to be myself around the new group of friends I have found at CBC. Its refreshing to just let loose instead of holding it all in. Tonight's Singers practice was amazing! It never ceases to amaze me with how much fun people can have when they share a love for God and His music. Unfortunately, I have to be a little bit more calm in my movements than I would prefer because at CBC whether its Spirit lead or not dancing is not allowed! Which is why some dancing was included in my last video. I have to let the joy out sometime!
I have been smiling a lot lately. Which is a good thing, but causes my cheeks pain as they are not quite used to such an action. I truly am a happy person, but because of the fear of being thought of as weird, loud, or obnoxious I have learned the art repressing such things. Thank you God for including the instructions to not fear man in the Bible, or I would become a true hermit!
I write tonight though with a heavy heart. I have thoroughly neglected constant prayer and Bible reading, so my spirit is quite weak to the attacks of the Devil, the world and my flesh lately. The sin that gets me the most is loneliness and worrisome thoughts of my future. Everyday I am reminded of my past. A past where I never had a boyfriend, never had a prospect, was never even asked out, a past that I take pride in, but still hate that it happened. So now because of twenty years of singleness, I am scared that it will become forty, fifty, sixty or even a lifetime of being alone. I take comfort in the fact that my great aunt and aunt have lived happy and content lives without husbands, but I don't want such a fate. Plus at CBC, I am bombarded daily with the race for a MRS degree that every female student is running in and many times finish even before they graduate with an actual degree, while I am just standing still at the starting line. I try to be tough, saying that I'm waiting for God to give the GO! signal, but I'm itching to run! Since eighteen, I have been ready to settle down and start a family! I want God to bless me with that sanctuary and those connections that can only be found in a home with one's husband and children. I want it now. I wanted it yesterday. But, I don't have it yet and I'm losing the strength to hope for it. So please pray! That I will recommit to praying, to reading the Bible and for the courage and strength to believe that God will Bless me. Whether He blesses me with a life of being single or with a life of being a wife and mother.
When I sat down to type this blog, I had no intention of being so depressing, but I felt the need to share. I think I am going to end tonight's blog with a poem. I am writing this on the fly and since I'm a little depressed after that last paragraph, I apologize if its a sad poem. But who knows it could be happy. Here Goes:
In a wood where liverworts grow
By trees that stand covered in moss
With branches swayed by wind's blow
And leaves coated with a dew gloss
A girl sways caught in youth's glow
Away from disapproving eyes
She dances to nature's measure
A tune not filled with hate and lies
But with God's love and pleasure
She joins the song, hands lifted high
Good Night and God Bless!!
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